50 Cactus Jokes That Are Sharp

A funny cactus in a pot with a red nose and wearing a straw hat.
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Do you love cacti?

We've put together a list of the best cactus jokes around, from pointed plant puns to the prickliest of one liners, that we know you're going to like. We've even come up with ideas for creating your own celebration cards, in which you can plant succulent cacti puns to give to your friends and family.

Practise the great cacti jokes below, then share them with your friends. And why not have a go at making up a few cactus puns of your own? Who knows? You might even 'scratch' a living as a comedian!

Before you get started with the puns and jokes, did you know that the plural of cactus is cacti? Cacti belong to the succulent family of plants. This means they store water in their leaves, which is how they can survive long periods of drought and like the dry conditions of a desert. There are 1,750 different kinds of cactus, whilst wild cacti can live hundreds of years, houseplant cacti usually only last about 10 years.

If you have a cactus, how should you handle your prickly plant? Carefully!

Tall cacti in the dessert.
Image © Christoph Von Gelhorn on Unsplash.

One Liner Cactus Jokes

Make your friends laugh by 'planting' these great cactus one liners in your conversation.

1.I know there's something wrong with my cactus, but I just can't put my finger on it.

2.The worst thing about dropping a cactus is catching it.

Question And Answer Jokes

Practise these until you know them well enough to retell naturally.

3.What did one cactus say to the other cactus? "Stick with me and we'll go places."

4.Why did the cactus cross the road? It got stuck to the chicken.

5.What did one cactus say to the fancy cactus? You're looking sharp!

6.Why do coyotes howl in the night? Because they can only see the cacti in the day.

7.What did one cactus say to the other cactus? Let's stick together.

8.What did the boy cactus say to the girl cactus? We make a prickly pair.

9.What did the cactus say when he was robbing the bank? Stick 'em up.

10.What did the porcupine say to the cactus? Is that you, Dad?

11.What does a  cactus wear to a business meeting? A cac-tie.

12.What do you call a cactus on a plane? A cactus. It doesn't matter where it is, it's still a cactus!

13.What did the happy cactus say to the grumpy cactus? Don't be so prickly.

15.Is there something wrong with your cactus? Yes, but I can't put my finger on it.

16.If you bump into a person, you should say, "Excuse me." But what should you say if you bump into a cactus?  "Ouch!"

17.What's the one job you shouldn't give a cactus at your birthday party if he asks how he can help? Blowing up the balloons!

18.What did the porcupine say to the cactus? "Hey there, good looking."

19.Why is it so hard to come up with a cactus joke? Because it is such a thorny problem.

20.What do you call it when a whole bunch of cactus fall over? A cac-tas-trophy.

21.What did the boy cactus say to the girl cactus? You prickle my fancy.

22.What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away? Cactus if you can.

23.Why didn't the cactus have friends? He was a bit prickly.

24.Where does the head of all the cacti keep his armies? In his sleevies.

Five potted cacti in front of a table.
Image © Topcools Tee on Unsplash.

Cactus Puns

Have a read of our funny puns, then see if you can make up a few cactus-related puns yourself.

25.Never drought my love for you.

26.Cactus makes perfect.

27.Cactus puns get to the point.

28.I can be a little prickly.

29.I'm just pricking up the pieces.

30.I'm in a prickle.

31.I'm getting up to scratch.

32.I'm on pins and needles.

33.Stick with it.

34.Cactus puns are succulent.

Lots of cacti in the desert.
Image © Miguel Urieta on Unsplash.

Knock, Knock Jokes

Everyone likes knock, knock jokes and if they're cacti related, they are bound to get to the point.

35.Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Needles.

Needles who?

Needles and pins.


36.Knock knock.

Who's there?

Cactus.

Cactus who?

Cactus makes perfect.


37.Knock knock.

Who's there?

Not a cactus, because cacti can't knock.


38.Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You're a.

You're a who?

You're a bit prickly.


39.Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Great things.

Great things who?

Great things come in spiny packages.


40.Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Cactus.

Cactus who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Cactus.

Cactus who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Cactus?

Cactus who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say cactus?

Plant Puns

You can use the different varieties of these plants to create your jokes. Take a look at the fun cactus puns we've rounded up here, which all include a type of cactus.

41.A cactus gets asked to contribute to a charity. He says, "Sorry, agave at the office already."

42.What did the succulent say to the cactus on its birthday? "I wanted to make up a joke for your birthday, but I'm just not that sharp."

43.Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Saquaro.

Saquaro who?

Saquaro you today?

Cacti in the desert by a lake at sunset.
Image © Sam Goodgame on Unsplash.

Cactus Story Jokes

With story jokes, you can set the scene before delivering the punch line.

44.A cactus walks into a cafe and orders a cola. "That will be £10," says the cafe owner. The cactus pays for his cola and starts to drink it. "You know," says the cafe owner, "we don't get many cacti in here."

"No?" says the cactus. "Well, with prices like these, you won't get too many more."

45.One day, a cactus goes to his favourite restaurant and orders the soup of the day. The waiter sets it down in front of him and stands back because he wants to see the cactus enjoy it, but the cactus just sits there. "Is there something wrong?" the waiter asks.

"I can't eat this soup," says the cactus.

"Is it too hot?" "No." "Too cold?" "No." "Too salty?" "No."

The waiter calls for the maître d' and the chef, and each asks the same questions: "Too hot? Too cold? Too salty?" "No, no, no."

Finally, at his wit's end, the chef says, "I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?"

"Ah-ha!" says the cactus.

Make Your Own Cactus Card With These Cactus Puns

Here's a fun idea: make a greeting card for a plant-loving friend by drawing a funny cactus on the front and putting one of these silly plant puns inside, then see how much they smile when they open it.

46.Let me get to the point: you're fan-cactus!

47.Happy birthday to one sharp dude (or gal).

48.I'm glad I pricked you as my friend.

49.You're plant-asttic.

50.Needles to say, it's your birthday – have a day bristling with fun.

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