77 Best Vegetable Puns And Jokes That You Just Can't Beet

Little girl holding a basket of vegetables smiling.
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Image © HQUALITY under a creative commons licence.

Oh, we do love cultivating a list of deliciously corny jokes,  especially when they have a bit of snap; you really can't beet it.

No matter how much you've got on your plate, there's always room for a funny vegetable pun or a couple of hilarious vegetable jokes.  Five a day just isn't enough when it comes to funny vegetable jokes, so we're dishing up an extra big serving of the best vegetable humour, it's veggie puns, pun, pun all the way!

We just love it when you lettuce entertain you.  You've got great taste. And, whilst we love fruit puns too, you really can't beet home grown vegetable jokes and puns about vegetables.

Fun Vegetable Puns And One-Liners

1.Vegetable puns make me feel good from my head tomatoes.

2.I buy my girlfriend vegetables every valentine's day; she thinks I’m corny.

3.We lost our dog when we went to the market to buy vegetables; if you see him, lettuce know.

4. Just turned down a job at my local vegetable shop; the celery was unacceptable.

10 Of The Best Vegetable Puns And Jokes

5.What’s small, red and whispers? A hoarse radish.

6.Why are mushrooms always invited to parties? Because they are such fungis.

7.Why shouldn't you tell secrets in a vegetable patch? Potatoes have eyes, the beans-talk and the corn have ears.

8.What’s the fastest vegetable? A runner bean.

9.What do you call a table you can eat? A vegetable.

10.What do you call a vegetable heist?  A farmed robbery.

11.What is green and goes to camp? A brussels scout.

12.What vegetable did Noah leave off the ark? The Leek.

13.What vegetable do chickens grow? Eggplants.

14.What kind of flower shouldn’t be put in a vase? Cauliflower.

Carrot-Themed Vegetable Jokes

Boy holding a bunch of carrots he's just picked.
Image © zaikina under a creative commons licence.

14.Which martial art are vegetables good at? Carrotee.

15.What was the snowman doing in the vegetable patch? Picking his nose.

16.What did one carrot say to the other carrot? Is it orange in here, or is it just me?

17.Why did the carrot get embarrassed? Because it saw the chickpea.

18.What did one snowman say to the other snowman? It all smells like carrots to me.

19.What did the carrot say when it was told that the swede had won the school writing competition?  That’s a turnip for the books.

20.What did the carrot say to the celery? I know I'm popular, but please stop stalking me.

21.What did the carrot say to the gardener at the country fair? I’m rooting for you; I'm certain the others won't beet you.

Vegetable Puns And Jokes About Potatoes

22.Why do potatoes keep falling out with each other? They can never see eye to eye.

23.Why is it impossible to get angry with a yam? Because they’re such sweet potatoes.

24.Who is the smartest potato in the vegetable patch? I yam.

25.What did the sweet potato say to the kale? I yam what I yam.

26.What do you call a stolen spud? A hot potato.

27.How do you cheer up a baked potato? You butter her up.

28.What do you call a baby potato? A small fry.

29.Why did the potato buy suntan lotion? So thought she may need it to stop her peeling on holiday.

30.When should you harvest potatoes? On fry-day.

Salad Jokes And Puns

Kids in the kitchen making funny faces with salad, laughing.
Image © JenkoAtaman under a creative commons licence.

31.Why is lettuce the kindest vegetable? Because it’s got heart.

32.Why did the cucumber get angry? Because it was in a pickle.

33.What is long, green and slowly turns red? A cucumber holding its breath.

34.Which vegetable loves roller coasters? Celerweeeeeeeeeeeee.

35.How do you fix a broken tomato? With tomato paste.

36.What did the salad greens say to the hungry kids? We’ll make your mouth and your tummy happy, if you lettuce.

37.Where did the cucumbers go on their date? The salad bar.

38.What is a kayaker’s favourite kind of lettuce? Row-maine.

39.How did the vegetables ask for a pay rise? Lettuce have a raisin celery.

40.What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato when they were out walking? Ketchup.

41.Why couldn’t the lettuce relax? Because she wasn’t cool as a cucumber.

42.Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.

43.What did the lettuce say to the tomato? You hang around and I’ll go ahead.

Favourite Vegetable Puns And Jokes

44.What is an elephant’s favourite vegetable? Squash.

45.What is a librarian’s favourite vegetable? Quiet peas.

46.What’s a gym instructor’s favourite kind of vegetable? Spin-ach!

47.What’s is a dressmaker’s favourite kind of vegetable? A string bean.

48.What is a plumber’s favourite vegetable? Leeks.

49.What is a taxi driver’s favourite kind of vegetable? A cab-bage.

49. What is a cat's favourite vegetable? As-purr-agus.

Veggie Knock Knock Jokes

50.Knock Knock! Who’s there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in and you’ll find out.

51.Knock Knock! Who’s there? Bean. Bean who? Bean a while since I saw you.

52.Knock Knock! Who’s there? Justin. Justin who? Justin time to help me pick some veggies for dinner.

53.Knock Knock! Who’s there? Hugo. Hugo who? Hugo that way to pick the vegetables.

54.Knock Knock! Who’s there?  Philip. Philip who? Philip the basket with vegetables, please.

55.Knock Knock! Who’s there? Juicy. Juicy who? Juicy who ate all the vegetables?

56.Knock Knock! Who’s there? Nano. Nano who? Nano who ate all the vegetables?

57.Knock Knock! Who's there? Turnip. Turnip who? Turnip the radio, please.

Mixed Vegetable Puns And Jokes

58.Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield? Because it’s full of ears.

59.What is the strongest vegetable? A muscle sprout.

60.What do you call a retired vegetable? A has bean.

61.How did the gardener mend his jeans? With a vegetable patch.

62.What do you call a fast fungus? A mush-vroom.

63.What kind of vegetable always gets jealous? A green bean.

64.Why does everyone love the vegetable band? They always play a good beet.

65.Why do cabbages always win races? Because they know how to get a-head.

66.What vegetable grows in basements? Cellar-y.

Little boy smiling and laughing while holding a big marrow.
Image ©  zatvorniknik under a creative commons licence.

67.Why did the corn stalk get angry with the farmer? He kept pulling her ears.

68.What happens when you leave corn in the barn for too long? It gets cob-webs.

69.What did the baby corn of corn call his dad? Pop corn.

70.What do vegetables want more than anything in the whole world? Peas on earth.

71.What do you get when two peas fight? Black-eyed peas.

72.What’s the most uncomfortable kind of vegetable? Spin-ouch.

73.Which vegetable is best at kung fu? Brock Lee.

74.What did the organic vegetables die of? Natural causes.

75.Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?  Because they take up too mushroom.

76.If you have five cabbages in one hand and six cauliflowers in the other hand, what do you have?  Big hands.

77.What was the cause of the veggie protest? An information leek.

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